Thursday, November 10, 2011

Baby Fat

 Above: A couple of guys just hanging out. It's you and Grandpa Harley! I think this is such a cute shot. (November 2011)

"'Tis not the season for dieting," is my motto for these holidays. I've been struggling with body image a lot lately, well my entire life to be perfectly honest. I have loads of extra baby weight, but at this time I've decided I'm not going to worry about it. Not when I have limited time. Instead I plan to give myself a makeover, inside and out. I want to take care of myself a little more intensely (without sacrificing time for you, naturally) and work on my personality. Sometimes I miss the way I was, and I'm not referring to my "before baby" time. In fact, I am inspired by you. When I look at your smile, or when you laugh, it makes me so happy. You are always receiving compliments for what a happy little boy you are. I am so proud when people compliment you, but what really amazes me is your lack of concern. You don't care if people think you are too fat, or too thin, or too active, or too lazy. Your milestones are the least of your concerns. You have no desire to meet anyone's demands and if it should just so happen that you learn to sit at the "right time" its in no way because you are striving to please anyone. I love that. I admire that.

I don't particularly miss my younger years. Not because I had a terrible childhood or because I was robbed of playtime, but because I can't go back to that and I don't know if I would want to. I'm used to the person I've become. I've lived many good memories but also many embarrassing, irrational, hormonal times that were very awkward or difficult. I think it's silly when adults say they wish they could go back to those times... do they really feel that way? I feel happy to be the person I am, and sometimes I look back on who I was an shake my head, but I feel like I've achieved something now. Still, what I do miss was my blind confidence. That time before appearance meant so much. I just thought I was pretty, and I lived that way. I dressed how I wanted to, and I acted like I was as pretty as a movie star. I don't know what changed. I can name a few possibilities but overall I think it was just many things over time that dwindled that confidence. I started realizing how important the numbers on a scale were, and that I was way over the max. When I was younger, I didn't really care about those numbers. I just dismissed them because when I looked in the mirror I was so pleased with myself I thought that losing the weight would be easy, and in a way, it was. I'd like to get a little bit of that back.

And what's more important, is I hope you never lose that about you. I am certain you will to some degree, that's just the nature of things. But I hope you don't obsess over it, or torture yourself. I hope you can eat a cookie of mine here and there and find them delicious, something to indulge on a nice winter's night with a hot cup of cocoa. Tonight, I'm baking sugar cookies. It was my first time, but I made stars. I topped them with icing I made, a bright orange color, and red crazed designs. They don't look very professional, but for a first time, I think they made for fantastic practice. I'm so proud of all the cookies I've made lately. I have plenty of dough frozen as well, which means less work later. In the meantime, you are still eating avocado and banana as well as hummus. Food right now isn't a big priority for you, and you're still having a bit of trouble sitting up. You do quite well for a time and then you lean and topple over. Also, you've been extremely cranky lately. I think you might have begun teething again, though there's nothing that I can see just yet or feel.

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